23. April 2012 by Rose Southwell.

 It light of the recent events as to inclusivity at Columbia Theological Seminary. I wrote this Psalm.

Holy God, you are the creator of all things,

            You formed the earth with as if it were clay,

            You glazed the sunbeams to feed the earth,

            You called the rains and baptized the ground once more.

            Your created humans from that dust, breathing your life within us.

            You knit every person together by your perfect hands.

O Lord, we deny the work of your hands by denying each other.

            We have turned from your work to politics,

            We cast sticks and stones at those you created that differ from us.

            We see only difference, not the work of your hands.

            We forget your words of loving as ourselves.

            We push to the outside, so that we don’t have to see.

 Parent of all, teach us your ways, guide our feet and teach us.

            Help us to turn community into brotherhood.

            Help us to be the Body that has different members

            Help us to see your fingerprints upon the other.

            Help us to love as you have called us to love.

            Help us to pull-in those that have been pushed away.

Eternal God, You are good, just, and attentive to your people’s needs.

            You alone can help transform us all.

            You are the one creating a new kingdom.

            We await the day where tears turn to dancing.

            We rest in your Hope.

            For you O God, are all we need.  

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27. November 2010 by Rose Southwell.

After arriving in the Rocky Mountains I found myself displaced in a wintery wonderland of God’s creation. The mountains were beautiful and the clod crisp air filled and pressed inside my lungs. I had arrived to welcoming smiles and hugs from old friends and coworkers. I slipped into retreat time immediately, not really knowing how long I was having conversations or how late it really was. It’s amazing how God suspends time when you’re at a retreat.            

 On the morning of the second day I found myself walking up to the main lodge from my cabin and I notice a snow covered labyrinth. It called out to me, in its perfect path of white. The snow had left just enough snow to cover the ground but not the rocks that lined the path. It was beautiful. As someone who is a little obsessed with labyrinths, I thought, “when will I have another chance to walk a snow covered labyrinth?” It wasn’t snowing, nor was it that cold so I went for it. I took the first few steps.            

 By the time I had made the first turn I was entrenched in thought, the rest of the world disappeared. I thought about things that had been bothering me, I thought of my worries at school, I thought about the path that had led me to that point, I thought of the pressures of becoming a candidate and all of the stress that had been leading my life. I immediately tried to correct myself. “hey this is a time to meditate on one thing” I begin to use a breath prayer, “Precious Lord, guide my feet. Precious Lord, Guide my feet…” Again my thoughts and worries crept back in, and again I was frustrated with myself. Where was my focus, where was my prayer?

Then it hit me, like a warm reminder in my chest; this was my prayer, this was my chance to walk and talk to God about all the things on my heart. I went over and over it all, thinking about my worries and my concerns, praying for those situations and those fears. I began thinking about my heart, and its whispers of pain and its needs for joy.  And soon I realized that I was only half-way to the center and I had nothing left to complain about. Funny how one can trick themselves into believing that life is more complicated than it really is. I began praying for my ministry and the people at the conference, the life’s that we touch and the paths that are affected by our ministry. Walking and path imagery swam in my head, ‘what steps should we take?’, ‘how can I walk closer to you?’, ‘how do we guide your people on the journey you have placed before them?’, ‘can we encourage people to just take one more step, and know that You have the path laid already?’ As I neared the center my prayer changed again, help me let go, help me to hear your voice, meet me here.

 I stepped into the center and sat; I bowed my head and closed my eyes.

 I don’t know how long I was there, I don’t even know if I can articulate the space that I fell into. There were no words no prayers, just space. I sat. I was not aware of the time or the space around me I just was, just being. It was the best and the worst of me sitting, no thoughts, no fears. I felt warm and loved; it was not like being in the presence of God, but like being watched by God. I sat still as God looked and smiled. There was no judgment or anxitity, just warmth.

After a time, I opened my eyes. It took a moment for them to adjust to the light and I looked toward the heavens. A flake of cool water brushed my face. It was snowing; a light simple snow. I smiled. And my thoughts were conformed, God had been looking. Creation was responding to me by brushing my face with Gods hand. I walked out of the center. As I took the twist and turns I smiled and took it all in, the mountains, the snow, the crisp air, the breeze, and the sound of my feet crunching rythmatically along the path.

 I began humming, “Take, O Take me as I am, summon out what I shall be, set your seal upon my heart and comfort me”. The toon rang out over the mountains, and filled my heart. It was as if I understood that prayer for the first time. I walked on, crunching my steps in the snow. Noticing my footprints from the walk in, I began to think about where I had been, thinking about the path that I had walked;  not just that day and but in my life. I noticed the snowflakes building up on my red curls and a phrase was given to me.

“Walk with God in prayer in all seasons”

And there it was, my revelation, I was flooded with ideas, paintings, sermons, a new outlook on my own prayer life and a way to view my work/ ministry. So often I try and pick and choose when I pray, or what I will pray about. Ignoring and not communicating the seasons of drought, or even the seasons of plenty. I thought, is this how one can pray without ceasing, when we know and recognize God with each step? Then our life is a prayer, and a lived labyrinth toward God. Could I paint this? Could I capture this idea of seasons and prayer? I was excited and energized.

 As I came to the end of my walk, I looked to the skies and smiled, and thank God for the gifts of that day, the gift of the time spent in prayer, and the Words I had been given to me. It was a perfect moment in my life; I felt close and connected to the world. As I stepped off the labyrinth, I was aware that the Holy Spirit is moving in the world, and that I had some new ideas to guide me.

 I went home and wrote this:

My Heart rejoices in you O Lord,

            Your very presence in my life.

You answer my prayers

            & deliver me from sorrowsYour Spirit leads me,

             My path is illumined by you alone

Help me O Lord,             Teach me How to be your delight.

            Make me a resting place for your people

But I cannot do this alone

             I cannot change lives

                         Move Mountains

                        Heal the sick

                       Comfort the broken 

                       Without You.            

Make me your vessel 

                       Transform my heart

Help me to spread your Joy.  

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22. September 2010 by Rose Southwell.

We were ask to write a psalm today in my spritual formation class, This is what came out.  

God you are a loving artist,

Who painted the skies,

Sculpted the mountains,

The One who wove the threads of creation into the tapestry of life

You whose hands create, Oh God.

You who dreamt, & reality formed.

The fields of my soul are worn,

            They have seen famine and drought.

My soul is without cleansing rain,

            My fields are in need of rest.

Send your rain, Oh God,

            Give me rest from the plow.

Let me receive your year of Jubilee

            That I might celebrate with you.

Other fields have not see this struggle,

            Others have Joy in their land.

But you are the cultivator of my soul,

            You bring rain and joy.

My time with you will turn tears into dancing.

My life with you will transform drought into plenty.

My soul will take root in your grace.

I will praise you for your blessings

            I will sing as I am woven into your story.

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20. May 2010 by Rose Southwell.

Preached in Theater in The Text: Exodus. ¹¹ The LORD said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the LORD ? ¹² Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”  ¹³ But Moses said, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it.”  ¹⁴ Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and his heart will be glad when he sees you. ¹⁵ You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do. ¹⁶ He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him. ¹⁷ But take this staff in your hand so you can perform miraculous signs with it.”

The Story of the burning Bush is one of the most recognized in the bible.  The story of runaway Moses walking along minding his business and then being told by God out of an inflamed but not consumed bush to GO and Free the Hebrews from there enslavement in Egypt. Moses complains and worries and God sends Aaron and Moses to Pharaoh to do sighs, eventually bring Plagues and delivers the Hebrews from enslavement.   And our passage to day comes from Smack in the middle of all that, Moses’ fear and questions at the moments at the bush. Moses’ question of God about is Call Moses’ attempts to plead with God.  

Oh Moses, I do sympathies him. I think that his big scary calling at the bush is one that we might have thought about somewhere along out path. But Why…  Why is a calling so scary? Is calling scary because is it fear of the unknown? Post graduation, Summer internships, CPE?  Blind faith is a hard pill to swallow. Is it not feeling worthy? A “no man or words am  I” thing? Is it that other people might think you’re crazy? Did that guy really think that God talked to him out of a bush? Or is it the idea of failing,… what if I can’t get the people out? What if Pharaoh kills me? What if the people are so broken they can’t hear the words that God is trying to tell them? What if I am one of those ministers that drive people away from the church, What if I fail them… what if I fail God…and loses sight of what I’m doing?

 I think at some point we have all be able to relate to this burning bush moment with God and Moses. He’s terrified. And why wouldn’t he be? He is standing in a place that is holy ground being told to go and face the empire. The man who is thought to be a god here on earth? And say to that man, “Sorry dude, I know all of these people look up to you. But really my God is bigger, my God is badder, and my God is gona whoop up all over you, if you don’t let us go and worship our God.  And by the way, let me just stroll up into your house, and make a mockery of what you think is divine, with serpent and water turned to blood. And then demand that you let your economic foundation of people go with me. Would that be alright?” 

Maybe that’s not what our calling looks like, and maybe we have memorized the words of God the words of I will-be-there.. and who is it that puts a mouth in human beings? Is it not I the creator? … maybe we try and remember just to have faith and Know that God is with us. In a commentary I found the author harshly criticism Moses saying “Moses pitiful excuses disregards is own status as creature” he goes on to say that Moses is “not autonomous or abandoned in his difficult calling”  Although I agree that Moses is not Autonomous or abandoned, I do think pitiful is a little harsh.  

From day one this class has focused on two things, what is the way out? And these are the names? What are the names in this passage? … God, Moshe, and Aaron.  

 Have you ever noticed that Aaron gets kind of shafted in this exchange. The story dose not tell us that God appears to Aaron in a bush, that God Asks Aaron if he wouldn’t mind being a spokesmen, God doesn’t let Aaron wine and complain and ask for someone else to go. God just tells Aaron later in our story to go, meet his brother. Then Moses has the burden of dropping that bomb on him. BTW… I need you to run a few errands with me. Really? Not cool!

Maybe God was done listing to the complaining. But I think it’s interesting. What God says to Moses about Aaron, the timing of it all. Is there not Aaron your brother, the Levite. Is God making a point here? See Moses, I can make people who are good speakers, and example A: Aaron. OR Is God making a suggestion? Is there not your brother? I know can speak. Take him with you. I know a lot of translations make this statement a question or suggestion from God.

But Fox translates it as statement not a question. Dose that matter? What if Aaron was a part of the plan all along? Is that so hard to believe? I think that Aaron was part of the plan to begin with. I think that God Knew… God Knew that once out of Egypt, the people were going to need a priest, he was in the plan to be involved. The Levite, the Priest or the one who gives a word and makes sacrifices in the desert. God spoke to Aaron and told him to go meet Moses. Couldn’t that have been the plan all along; God obviously Knew that Aaron was going to come out to meet Moses. God says at the bush, “and here, he is even coming out to meet you; when he sees you, he will rejoice in his heart.”

Why is it that we sometimes feel that Aaron was a second thought?   And doesn’t Aaron have a key role? Mouthpiece….I think that although at first Aaron is asked to be a mouthpiece, I don’t know that that’s all that Aaron is asked to do. But I truly feel that Aaron had another job, I think Aaron’s job was show Moses.

Show Moses how to speak. We are told that one of the best ways to become a better preacher is to watch other preachers. Could it be that Moses could be doing that as well? Watching Aaron, learning from Aaron. Maybe Moses just needs to see what public speaking looks like?

 And I bet it goes both ways, I bet Aaron need to learn from Moshe how to be a leader, how to perform the signs that God show Moses. SO that Aaron can later become the priest, the chef priest in the desert. Not but two chapters after this when our story is in Egypt; Moshe is speaking to the people and not doing signs, and Aaron is doing signs but not speaking to the people. ..Fascinating…Don’t get me wrong, It’s not they aren’t doing their assigned jobs. I think they each have specific roles in freeing the Hebrews I think they are called to teach each other, Much like how we have friends in the ministry that teach and who we teach. Moshe and Aaron are doing that as well but, still do what God has asked them to do.

Gods response to Moses demand “ God! Please send someone else” is “ is there not Aaron your brother” ……God doesn’t let Moses off the hook, and Aaron is not let off the hook either. But isn’t it interesting that God’s response to Please God send someone else. The response is I’m not sending you alone.  

Maybe that was the fear that drove all of Moses questions. God was speaking to the fear that was real and just under the surface. Don’t make me do this on my own. I can’t do this…I…don’t have the words… they won’t believe ME… singular language cloaks this passage… and God responds with NOT JUST YOU.

 A friend of mine told me once “the calling is Great… but the Great thing is that you’re not the only one called” I think that maybe that’s what we should do with this passage.       

Step out of out singular language; make it not about me and God. Or what God wants from me, instead what God wants for the people..Maybe it’s not about you… Maybe it’s not about Moses…God uses Moses to do great things, but Moses had to get out of his own head. He needed to see what someone else was doing this too. Moses is not the only one called in this story. God has his hands all over what’s happing.

The call is not about Moses, it’s not about whether he can speak, it’s not about performing signs, it’s not about WHO is being called. It’s about WHO needs to be saved. It’s NOT about who is safe and need to go back in, It is about who has not been safe all along.

SO God sends Aaron to Moses. So that Moses can learn to speak, to learn to lead, to learn to work together with someone to  Free the people from bondage…..

May you find someone to tech you, may you find someone along your path that is called to this work as well. May you find an Aaron, to speak for you when you are to afraid. May you be a blessing to them and show them something new about God. May they keep you from being blinded by your own fear, so that you can help others find the freedom that God desires for Gods people. Amen.

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23. April 2010 by Rose Southwell.

Here we go again.

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11. December 2009 by Rose Southwell.

(This is the Testamony of one of the life Altering events in my history, I read this as a devotional for my Pastoral Care class, on the day we discussed Substance Abuse) Fall 2009

            All throughout out high school I suffered from depression and darkness. I found a break from the reality with friends that showed me a way that was outside of my pain. I began using drugs at a time a deep pain and displacement from my friends in family; I was living in Houston for a period of time. And when I moved there the only people who reached out to be my friend was the Ravers (or party Kids). I learned a new way of life from them, a life that consisted of partying and debauchery. I was the only person in my new found group who had a car, and a cash flow, which made me the key to taping into the height of the drug world in Houston. I used EX, and speed, and took all kinds of pills and had no care for what it was doing to me. When I moved back to Dallas I continued my life on this path, hating the world, hating those that had it better than me (or so I thought) Hating the very things that were slowly taking over my life. When I graduated I had a GPA that was just enough to survive and get a diploma. (Because simply passing was what really mattered) I moved out with in a month of graduation and found comfort in new friends, some were straight edge some were not. I found myself taking pills, and eating shrooms, but still there was a desire to be outside of the pain that was there with in me. Nothing I was doing would satisfy me. Long before I had decided that I would never do Acid, Coke, or Heroin… those things were addictive, you could lose yourself in those drugs. “I’ll just stick to the other stuff and keep myself out of trouble” I thought. After a summer semester at a community college I found that despite my 4.0 ; my classes were getting in the way of my partying. I dropped out and took a job to help pay bills and pay for my recreational activities.

            Soon enough I was bailing out my friends who were being held hostage by a drug dealer. They had been smoking ice and couldn’t pay. Once I bailed them out one of my closest friends offered me some ice to pay me back, not sure what it was and still searching for my escape I accepted. Despite I had just seen for myself what this path looked like. I began smoking meth with them occasionally still keeping my regular work hours and pretend to go to school when I spoke to my family. As I became more of a regular user, my friend increased and changed. I had a new group of people I spent time with who were opening up the doors to a new way of life. I moved out of my apartment when the student apartments discovered I was no longer a student and back in with my parents. Under the facade of working a full time job I never came home. I sank deeper and deeper into the blackness. I lived for the high. I longed for the next bowl, I waited from pay check to pay check. Realizing that most people who do meth get really skinny I begin to compulsively eat, as to hide from the outside world what I was doing. That’s right; I was a meth addict that gained weight.   I found myself with a group of friends that were “intellectual drug addicts”.  We would smoke, then once high we would read the dictionary and quiz each other on the words, do art, discuss God and religion, talk about how it was ok that we were getting messed up more often because we weren’t like ‘other users’. Those people had a problem. I was just enjoying my life a little. Slowly, but steadily a weekends only…. became a few nights a week, …. Then, only in the evenings turned into week long binges without sleep. Finally I was at the point I was slipping a meth pipe into my purse, so I could hit it and stay awake at work. My cash flow was no longer enough. So I thought I would do a few deals here and there to help support the habit.

I was standing at the edge, my old friends had quit talking to me because I “changed” whatever that meant?!? And the darkness was creeping back in. It was no longer about having fun and reading the dictionary, or writing letters to our friends in jail cause they had been busted, or about recreation, it was about survival… Life without the high was no longer an option.  I needed the drugs, I needed the escape from who I was becoming, and most of all I needed a way out.

I started to watch all of my friends slip over the edge, the point of no return. Some died, some went to jail. And we all were starting to turn on each other. I was out in a shady part of town, making some connection to sell some stuff to get money for another bag, (I smoked all of the one I had bought the night before). When I found myself on the phone losing it with my best friend at the time. She had stolen $100’s from me and my back up supply, that was supposed to hold me over till this deal was done. When I was bitching at her on the phone asking what the hell she was thinking, she told me “that’s the way these things go, you should know better than to let people know where your shit is… its not my fault…” Infuriated I took off ready to drive back and beat her ass, when flashing lights went off behind me. In that sobering moment I realized what was about to happen. I was done for… I was going to jail and it was game over. My parents would find out, my life would be destroyed with a criminal record, and I was never going get that bowl I need.

But something else happened that night, God strolled up to my window and taped on the glass.

He said to me “Young lady, what are you doing?”

“Excuse me??” I said.

He reply “ do you know where you are? This is the wrong part of town for you to be in, there are all kinds of evil people out here. People who will hurt you, or cause you to hurt yourself. Don’t you think that maybe you should go HOME?”

I just stared at him. WHAT?!?! Didn’t he know that I was those people? Didn’t he know that I was hurting myself? Didn’t he know that if he was gona do his job right, he should search my car, and take me to jail?

I stared at him a long time, and I just looked into his eyes and said as honestly as I could “ I’m lost,”

and God said to me, “well maybe I can help you find your way….”

I drove away that night realizing that I too was standing at the point of no return. This was my chance. God spoke to me through that man and ask me what I was doing. I drove home that night. I didn’t go back to the place where I was headed, I dint go back to the “friends” that had stolen my shit, I didn’t go back…. and a decided on that long drive home, That despite what I thought I needed from the other end of a pipe, what I really had need was to admit that somewhere along that dimly lit path, I had got lost. But luckily someone in the universe cared enough to point me in the direction of home.

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2. August 2009 by Rose Southwell.

Forward-

As I have moved into my seminary life there are two major things I have noticed about the attitudes of my fellow students.

One- They seemingly hate America, and discuss our waste fullness and “lack of duty to fellow man” all the time. ( I will speak again on this later)

Two- EVERYONE has a cause. …

These two things in combination make for some interesting attitudes about the world we live in. Now first I would like to say that I really like America, and I understand that I am a privileged white female (which in modern times is almost better than the stereo type that goes with white males) who grew up in good conditions with loving parents who made sure that if times were tough, we really didn’t know about it. That being said, I also think that there is a stigma that turns its evil head against those types of situations and people. And I like to play the devil’s advocate with my fellow students to bring that double standard to the forefront.

For Richer or Poorer

            I was at the dinner table one night and my dear friend Drew was going on another one of his rants about how we do not do enough to help the poor and that if people in the ministry would just help and give to them, then poverty would not be nearly the problem that it is. He went on to start bashing the wealthy saying that if They would give just a little of what they have, then that would really help to even out the poor’s economic situation.

            Finley reaching a point where I didn’t want to hear his complaining any longer, and I had a desire to change his mind about the wealthy, explaining that they were not the devil nor completely the only reason that the poor are poor, I spoke up.

“Drew, do you really believe that if people who are wealthy just gave more that would solve the problem”

“Well it couldn’t hurt” he replied

“Is there a certain dollar amount you have in mind or does a percentage work?” I ask him, seeing if he had ever taken his complaining out of the hypothetical.

“ Well I don’t know but if the rich all gave a percentage of what they have, instead of spending it on the wasteful things like another boat or more TV’s or fancy parties then I think a lot more people would be better off!” he said matter of fact.

“Oh you mean people like Bill Gates?” I ask.

“YEA!” He says, “See if someone like him actually helped people out, the world would be a much better place”

“Drew, how much do you know about Bill Gates and his giving?” I ask.  He stared at me.  I continue on, “ Did you know that Bill Gates gives 95% of the money he makes to charity and other organizations? Yes, he can live VERY well on the 5% of his earnings that are left over, but he give a huge percent of his earnings to help others. How much do you think the average person gives? 2%, 5%? I mean we’re taught to give 10% to the church. So what else are we supposed to give over? If we’re not Bill Gates I mean.”

Still in shock he says, “95%? Really? That much to charity?”

“Yes, and most celebrities do the same thing. People who are extremely wealthy are hit up for donations all the time–different organizations, causes, charities. They are Expected to attend functions and donate their money to the orginaztion hosting the event. A lot of wealthy people are just seen for their money, verses who they really are. Kind of like how the poor are seen for their lack of money not for whom they are….” there was a long pause.

“ Ya know Drew” I continued, ”take a minute and look at it from the other side… what does the bible say?”

“ Well, it says that we should help the poor, sell all of our possessions. It does say that it would be difficult for a rich man to get into heaven.”

“Mathew 14? That’s not what it says”

“Yes it is, it would be just as hard for a rich man to enter heaven as it is for a camel to pass though the eye of a needle.”

“Yes, but that’s not what it means… In that same passage Jesus says that it is IMPOSSIBLE for anyone to get into heaven except through him. Also, that is after the man asks what more he can do to please God, aside from following the commandments. … Furthermore, the Eye of a Needle was a crawl space in the side of a city wall, it would be hard but, a camel could do it. It’s hard for anyone to get into heaven, not just the wealthy“

“Well, I guess it does say that. But other scriptures tell us to serve the poor and the widows”

“This is true” I said, “but look at the parable of the talents. The master gives out three sets of money to his workers, one hides it away to save it, one spends it and  multiply it by a small amount, and the last one multiply his termendacely. Who is the master most pleased with?”

“The last one.”  Drew said, Sounding a bit defeated.

“Exactly, the one who multiply the most! Doesn’t the bible also say that we will always have the poor and the widowed? Is it not better to do good works with what you have? ”

“I see your point,” Drew said, “But I still think we are told to help the poor”

“I agree, I’m not telling you not to help those in poverty and to only spend money to make more money. What I’m saying this that don’t Blame the rich, or even deny that the rich need ministry and help too. You were acting like the poor are the only people who need help, and ministry. I understand that the poor are the people you Sheppard to, But I want you to see that the rich also need a Sheppard. They need to be lead, fead, and helped through their troubles as well. You have your flock… I just want you to see there are other flocks out there.”

Drew and I set a few moments in silence…

Although we run across things that we have passion for  and can be advocates for others and their needs. I feel that we sometimes need to look past OUR cause, and see the people and the opportunity that lies within other ministries. The joy is that God calls us to lead and help others… And luckily we are not the only ones called to do the job (because we cannot do it alone). There are many people and many needs in this world, and the Lord will provide the people to minister to everyone. Yet, let us not forget that there are ministries outside of our own.

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